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Clever Girl

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SHOOT HER! SHOOOOOOT HER!

Jurassic Park was the single most exciting moment of my 10 year-old live. There were dinosaurs that looked real while doing dinosaur things, eating people and screeching. In the first scene of of the move we are introduced to the most ridiculous stereotype of an Australian since Mick “crocodile” Dundee. He then explains to the dumbest animal handlers imaginable to haphazardly transition a raptor from a cage to their permanent pen. BOOM, they’ve been outsmarted, the raptor strikes and begins the eat the man from on top of the cage. Captain Australia now thinks he can hold the guys hand to save him from a violent death while screaming, “SHOOT HER! SHOOOOOOT HER!” Now it’s on, this shit is going to get real.

Spielberg sticks to his Indiana Jones formula well, if it isn’t broken make millions off of it. He introduces the important lovable characters and gain some insight into why we should like them. Our characters see some awesome dinosaurs and we get our first taste of the amazing theme song. We are then informed that raptors are the smartest and most efficient dinosaur killing machines nature ever created, they hunt in packs and use decoys to lure you into a sense of false security. Thirty five minutes later we watch these efficient killing machines be outsmarted by average children and yet still manage to kill off every character with any actual experience with effing raptors. Foster’s Australian for Beer sends a lady, he met 7 hours ago, to turn on complicated electrical equipment while he attempts to hunt and kill every raptor stalking them. He also has the best death line ever, “Clever Girl.” Now the lady, who is still trying to wrap her head around the concept that dinosaurs are real and will kill you, continues to outsmart these organic killing machines and turns the power back on… Shocking!. In the end, the complete novices outsmart the experts and teach us all a lesson in the process.

Also, I can’t bring up Jurassic Park without throwing mentioned the best non-dinosaur quote, “I know this. THIS IS A UNIX SYSTEM!”

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